I can’t comprehend you have actually done this Nick, although I know the hell and fear you were living in, I know you were scared and saw no future, I know the depth of your love for your children and parents... so still I cannot process this horrific finality, the permanence, the never agains, it just doesn’t fit you Nick, I wish we could all wake up from this nightmare and see your kind smile again.... you were so loved by so many and the pain of you not here has destroyed so many of us, if only you had spoken, been touched by human hands, been allowed some light in your darkness when you most needed it..... it’s ok to be negative, it’s ok to be scared.... it’s ok to not be at the top of your game..... it’s ok to admit you have lost control but it’s not ok to hold those feelings in and not share them. Our brains are strong and can force anyone in the wrong direction, but sharing those feelings is so important, Dont be afraid, say it out loud to someone, anyone....
We all have hopes and dreams and expectations of ourselves and sometimes these things go off track, sometimes in a huge way, Nick, I will forever be devastated that you felt too overwhelmed and I will never find peace with what you thought was your only option..., life will be very dark for many of us for a longtime and I know that would never be your intention. I know you loved to see and create happiness in others, I wish so much we could go back in time, you are desperately missed xxx